Two Essential Parenting Skills: Constructed Criticism and Unconditional Love (written from a child’s perspective)

“So fat! So dumb! Why did I give birth to you? Why aren’t you like person X? Why are you wasting money? Why aren’t you passionate about school? Why aren’t you… PERFECT?”

For those of you who have over-critical parents, you will know exactly what those sentences are referring to: the harsh criticism, the despising gaze, the endless anger… Although many children get used to it and don’t seem to mind it much, others feel hammered down to the point where they forget who they really are. Sorry to break this to you folks, but the old saying is wrong: “Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words WILL ALSO hurt you just the same”.

Sadly, while tougher children manage to brush off the criticism over time, sensible children will start to waver: “Am I really that bad? Should I believe them? Am I truly an unworthy human being?” In fact, these sort of questions indicate that the child’s confidence has already been bruised despite looking intact on the surface.

Now you might ask me: “Well, Mrs Know-It-All. How can you be so sure?” I’ll reply with a simple: “I’ve been there.” In fact, I was so affected by my parent’s negativity that I am currently dabbling in self-doubt. People who just met me will often say that I seem like a happy-go-lucky girl who always smiles confidently despite the situation. However, the sad truth is that I practically have no sense of self worth. I just CHOSE to put up that fake smile since it’s more pleasant to be labelled as “happy” than to be labelled as “confused” or “sad”. One thing’s for sure: you won’t want to hang around me anymore if I did show you my inner emotions on the first day we meet.

Knowing this, you might start thinking: “You’re just blaming your parents for your unhappiness and your lack of confidence!” Well no, I am not! You see, I am fully aware that parents criticize their children with the hopes of shaping them into amazing and admirable individuals. I know very well that they have good intentions. But these good intentions are often expressed in the wrong way, and I am hoping that this can change in the near future.

So lets take the example of a little sprout. What type of care does it need to grow properly? Does it require you to pull him up by force so that it can reach maximum heights? NO! It actually only needs the appropriate environment, such as warm sun rays, nutritious earth and fresh water. Trust me. With those conditions, it will become a beautiful plant in no time.

The same goes for children. There is no need to constantly scold them for every little mistake they do. Time, love and warmth will allow them to slowly differentiate the right from the wrong. A gentle guidance and lots of love should suffice in most cases.

Speaking of love, I must point out that children need to feel unconditionally loved in order to become a confident individual later on. Scolding will only tell the child the opposite, and he or she will then feel the need to please you in order to keep your approval. As a result, he or she will not have the time to reflect on his own identity, which will increase his risk of feeling confused and depressed later on. While it might be good to make them realize that love is conditional as they get older, younger children should not be exposed to “conditional” love, since they will feel insecure, unwanted and alone.

So how should you approach your child when it comes to teaching him a lesson? If scolding and physical punishments are not recommended, what should we do when a child misbehaves? This is when constructed criticism comes in. Children are never too young to start with “adult” concepts, and I assure you that using them early does have its benefits.

A fun example would be a young mother that I met at the shopping mall. Her son was screaming and crying because he wanted a toy, and she was firmly saying no. Typical story right? But what makes her situation different is that instead of taking the “drag-him-out-of-the-shop-asap” approach, she rather encouraged him to argue reasonably and to tell her why she should buy the toy for him. Without a good argument, she will not do as he asked. The boy kept crying for a while, but then decided to tell his mother that the toy would make him “happy” and will also make him more “smart”. The funny thing is that despite his cute reason, she didn’t even buy him the toy, because his reason wasn’t “good enough”. Hi-la-rious!

While the boy’s cute response initially grabbed my attention, I think we should all give this woman a round of applause for being such an awesome mother. How many times have I seen moms scream and scold their children with harsh words such as: “Why are you so annoying? Why are you so misbehaved?” etc. Never once was the problem addressed properly. I’m actually certain that the child will do it again when they go shopping next week. In short, what most parents do wrong is that they scold thoughtlessly rather than use smart constructed criticism. The end result? More conflicts, less confidence, and more anger. A vicious circle, really!

In short, I am hoping that parents can come to the realization that words (and how they are said) do actually have an impact on the child’s behavior. I am a strong believer that children are born as a blank page, and that parenting and environment is what shapes them. If you are a parent who truly wants your child to grow into a happy person, please show him that you’ll accept all his flaws, and that you will love him unconditionally. Only then will your well-thought criticism be heard and absorbed. Scolding and personal attacks are definitely not the way to go! In short, just spread the love, and we children will behave, promise :)

Ps: I know I’ll lose some credibility from saying this, but please read my writing with a grain of salt. As a 20 y-o adult with no experience in parenting (and who still feels like a kid), I was just hoping to share some of my observations. Having suffered from many unpleasant conflicts with my parents, I felt the urge to express my opinions when it comes to parenting.